Tonya Ruiz, Barbiologist

Learning to live Beyond Barbie

As featured in Today's Christian Women Magazine

How I’ve learned to model true beauty...

As my body aged and changed, I looked less like a Cosmopolitan cover and more like a National Geographic cover.

My obsession began on my third birthday, when I opened my present and saw her for the first time—Barbie, the perfect poly-vinyl goddess. For the next several years, I spent hours dressing her up in miniature versions of the latest styles, all stored in a stupendous pink vinyl case along with Barbie’s favorite accessory: Ken.

For second-grade show-and-tell, I demonstrated Barbie’s amazing vocal ability. When I pulled the string on the back of her neck, she said, “I love being a fashion model.” In junior high, I imagined—if I survived my gawky adolescence—I would emerge Barbie-fied. I believed if I were that beautiful, my life would be perfect.

A Star Is Born

In 1978, when I was 15, I signed up for classes with Valerie Cragin, a modeling agent. She taught me how to apply make-up and pose in front of the camera. “Your rail-thin body, shiny blond hair, and sky-blue eyes will be your passport to success,” she assured me.

Soon after my sixteenth birthday, a modeling agent from Paris came to meet with some of Valerie’s clients—including me. Jean-Luc Brunel was co-owner of Karin Models in Paris. He said he’d been traveling throughout the United States looking for a fresh new face, and he liked my “California Girl” look. He chose me from more than 200 other girls he interviewed. Two months later, I followed in Barbie’s tiny footsteps and became a fashion model.

Within a few months of arriving in Paris, my image was on magazine covers, billboards, and in television commercials. Later, I was represented by the top modeling agencies in the world as I traveled to Germany, Beverly Hills, New York, Milan, and Tokyo. In 1980, TEEN magazine wrote an article about my life entitled “Model Success Story: It’s like something that happens in the movies!”

The Perfect Life Unravels

My life was glamorous and exciting; I danced with royalty, drank champagne, and dated athletes, rock stars, and millionaires. I’d always been thin, so it never occurred to me my excessive drinking and late-night eating could add pounds to my figure—but they did. I wasn’t alone; a lot of my model friends struggled with their weight, too. 

After I gained ten pounds, I often was rejected in favor of thinner models. My agent told me, “You look puffy and tired!” I crash dieted to maintain my weight for a while, but soon lost control. The harder I tried to lose weight, the more I became obsessed with food. I got so hungry I started bingeing and purging. It soon became a vicious cycle.

One night, I ate a gallon of ice cream and a whole box of Frosted Flakes, then sat with my head over a toilet trying to make myself vomit. I often took laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics to help me lose the unwanted pounds. After a week-long fast, I walked into Ford Models and said to my agent, “Look, I’m down to 118 pounds.” She stared my 5 foot, 7 1/2-inch frame and said, “You’re still fat—lose 5 more pounds.” Now when I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw a resemblance to Barbie.

Rock Bottom

Soon after I’d arrived in Paris, I felt something was missing from my life. Over time, I realized no matter where I lived, whom I dated, or what success I achieved, I felt empty. I began using food to try to fill that empty place, and eventually I turned to alcohol, drugs, and men. My life spiraled downward.

One day, while sitting in my hotel room, I found a Bible and began reading it. Growing up, my family sometimes attended church on Sundays, but Jesus wasn’t a part of our everyday lives. Thinking about my messy life, I knew I was far from God and doubted he could love me. When I began asking spiritual questions, a model friend encouraged me to accept her New Age philosophies and read self-help books. I began consulting my horoscope, searching fruitlessly for answers.

My modeling dream slowly turned into a nightmare. I couldn’t look perfect, so I felt I had nothing left to live for. At 18, I concluded suicide was my only option. I flew home to spend some time with my family before I planned to kill myself.

Extreme Makeover

A short time after I got home, a friend invited me to a Christian concert. After the music, the pastor asked, “Do you have a void in your life? Have you tried everything and still feel empty?” I felt he was speaking directly to me. He shared how to become a Christian, and I eagerly went forward, knelt down, and asked Jesus to be my Savior.

The next Sunday, my friend gave me a Bible and took me to church with her. We became roommates. I gladly walked away from the modeling world and got a job as a secretary. I put a Jesus bumper sticker on my red Mustang and kept its radio tuned to a Christian station. I attended the singles group at church, where I found friendship and encouragement. God slowly began to change me. By reading the Bible, I learned I don’t have to look perfect for God to love me. I discovered God doesn’t accept me because of the size of my jeans, the condition of my skin, or my reflection in the mirror. He loves me so much he sent his only Son to die for me, just as I am.

After I left the modeling business, I no longer felt the extreme pressure to stay ridiculously thin. I stopped struggling with my weight and found a healthy balance. I also stopped drinking, doing drugs, and staying out all night. I began eating normally, exercising moderately, drinking lots of water, and sleeping regular hours.

Bye Bye, Barbie

I eventually married a wonderful Christian man. In the following six years, we had four children. As my body aged and changed, I looked less like a Cosmopolitan cover and more like a National Geographic cover. During my pregnancies, I swelled up like Violet from Willy Wonka. I nursed my babies until they were old enough to chew gum, causing much wear and tear on my figure. By 30, my tummy lay next to me when I slept and perched on my lap when I sat. I joked to my friends, “It’s like having a pet.” Unlike Barbie, my thighs touched—and I was depressed about it.

Thankfully, I began to take a good look at godly Christian women and realized they had a “glow” about them—despite not being model material. I thought of the way Moses glowed when he came down from Mount Sinai after spending time in God’s presence. I realized the Christian women I knew had a beauty that didn’t come from the make-up counter, but from time spent in prayer and Bible study.

I read a biography of Corrie ten Boom, a Christian woman who hid Jews during World War II, was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp, and later forgave the German guard who had treated her so badly. As I analyzed her now-wrinkled face in photographs, I decided I’d never seen a more beautiful woman. In my youth, I’d been obsessed with outer beauty. As a 30 something, I still wanted to look presentable, but I craved the inner beauty of Jesus’ love that Corrie had reflected to others.

A Model Mom

I knew how influenced I’d been by the media; growing up in Barbie’s shapely shadow had warped my perception of beauty. I didn’t want my children to compare themselves with the impossible standards of beauty pictured on commercials, billboards, and magazine covers, so I monitored their television viewing and chose not to have fashion magazines lying around the house. I didn’t make negative comments about bodies—mine, theirs, or other people’s. When my daughters were given Barbie dolls as gifts, I didn’t make a big deal about it, but I encouraged their interest in other dolls—such as the American Girl dolls.

Over the years, I encouraged my children to take good care of the wonderful bodies God created for them. I bought books about the human body that showed what an amazing creation we are—with a heart that beats 100,000 times a day; 600 muscles; 60,000 miles of blood vessels; 250 bones; and 25 square feet of skin to hold it all in. I read them Psalm 139:13-14, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

I also taught them to celebrate their one-of-a-kind-ness. I pointed out their unique features and explained, “You’re the only person in the world with your fingerprint.” I told them Barbie is mass-produced and showed them the “Mattel” stamped on her back. I explained that God, The Master Designer, created them and they are “Designer originals.”

Modeling True Beauty

My daughters have grown into beautiful adults, inside and out. My teenage sons are getting taller by the day. Recently, I awoke during the night. It was cold outside, but I was warm in my cozy bed as I lay next to my loving husband. As peace and contentment washed over me, I thought, If I’d taken my life 26 years ago, I would have missed all this.

Today I try to help others learn from my mistakes and see themselves through God’s eyes. When I speak to women’s groups, I often begin by saying, “I’m 44 years old, weigh 150 pounds, and I’m learning to live beyond Barbie.” I teach girls and women there’s a world of difference between looking beautiful and being beautiful. Physical beauty is subjective because the standard changes every century, decade, year, and season. It even varies from country to country. Outer beauty is external and temporary. Inner beauty is attained by walking with Jesus and taking on his characteristics. Looking beautiful is only skin deep, but being beautiful is soul deep. That’s the only beauty I now want to model.

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